Below are two more things that people said to me while I was pregnant that drive me up the wall. Again, I rated each on my Stupica Obnoxiousness Scale.
8. You’re about to pop!
What does this even mean? Maybe people’s understanding of how humans are brought into the world has been ruined with a combination of abstinence-only sex ed and the popularity of Puppy Surprise. People, however, do not give birth like Puppy Surprise and the process of getting the baby out is a bit more complicated than simply popping out a litter.
Or, are they trying to say that I’m running out of room and might pop? With this interpretation of the statement I would agree. I was right on board with the idea that at around 6 months, I certainly couldn’t get any bigger. But, oh, did I. See for yourself.
This one makes the list for two reasons. One, people could have told me how wonderful I looked if they were going to comment on my appearance, but they usually chose this ambiguous statement instead. Two, this question was a gateway question that led to more obnoxious questioning and commentary, namely numbers 7, 9, and 11. It can also be thought of as the more socially acceptable way of saying, “You’re SOOOOOO big!” As such, this comment gets marked as a four.
9. Have you had that baby yet?
NO, I HAVEN’T HAD THIS EFFING BABY YET! Oh, I’m sorry. Was I shouting? It must have been because I was exactly two weeks past my due date before I finally did “have that baby” and I had been living as a walrus for about four months. Recall, people started saying I looked “ready to pop” when I was 5 months pregnant.
This one is super duper obnoxious due to it’s timing. The closer I got to my due date the more people asked me if I’d had the baby yet. It got exponentially worse, however, when my due date approached and people started calling and texting me EVERY GODDAMN DAY. It’s like friends and family had secretly gotten together and decided who was on call for driving me batshit crazy on any particular day past my due date.
One week past my due date, I started refusing to answer my phone or return calls/texts. I naively thought that would take care of the problem. Wrong. Dead wrong. THEY STARTED CALLING MY HUSBAND. This backdoor approach to annoying me endlessly infuriated me because there were two possible reasons I wasn’t picking up. One, you are annoying the bejeezus out of me because I haven’t had the baby yet and I don’t want to have the “getting induced” conversation (see number 7). Two, we are in the process of having the baby or only a short while ago had the baby. Either way, LEAVE ME THE FUG ALONE. Why on God’s green earth would you think that calling my husband to ask this question and then request he put me on the phone is a good idea? Some might think this is the absolute pinnacle on the crossroads of rude and obnoxious, but I’m rating it only a 6.5 because I truly believe that people were badgering me out of love and excitement to hear some news of a new baby. Thus, I’ve reduced the crime from Obnoxious in the First Degree to Obnoxious in the Second Degree.